Thoughts of T

“We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”

– Thomas Jefferson –

Are you happy? Has anyone ever asked you that? Or better yet, have you ever asked yourself that simple but profound question? And when I say ask, I mean truly ask, in the hope of finding or getting an honest, sincere answer. Not a superficial query in the moment of euphoria. People who are too busy living their lives probably haven’t. But on the other hand, people who spend too much of their time pondering the very same question may also forget to really live. They key, as we learn from Mother Nature, is balance. But honestly, how many of us are hearing this for the first time? We hear about it perhaps a little too often! Balance, balance, balance. Life needs balance for it to achieve its fullest potential. But knowing and actually doing it are of course different matters entirely. Which I can more than tell you from personal experience.

In my case, no one has ever bothered to ask me the million dollar question. Not even those closest. Can’t say I blame them. From the look of things, they never even asked themselves that. Unlike yours truly, I guess they’re just not that philosophical about life. Good for them, in a way. So one day, I found myself asking the seemingly self-centred question. “Am I happy?” Well, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that such curiosity simply meant that I was not. Nothing in my life was working out. Not my career. Not my relationships. Not the mortgage. And certainly not my 1965 Volkswagen. In fact, in some days “unhappy” would be an understatement. I was practically depressed! It was so bad that if tomorrow was the end of the world, it would be a salvation for me! To make matters worse, unlike my usual “keep it to yourself” fashion, this time there was no hiding it. My family had to endure my depressing words and deeds. Of all the people in my life, I was such a loser that I had to show my true colour to the closest circle. The tiny little dignity left in me was the only reason I didn’t go public with profanities and misconducts. But I did shut them all out, pushing everybody away. It was miraculous that I kept doing my social activities, even though more often than not my heart told me not to. I did them out of necessities. I couldn’t care less about the people. Faking a smile and having stale conversations was all I did.

In those days, seeing happy people made me sick. They were no more than some ignorant unrealistic no-brainers as far as I’m concerned. The idea of positive thinking was no more believable than a personal journey to the moon. I just couldn’t see pass my problems and issues. Worst of all, I loathed myself way more than ever. Apathy and indifference started to creep in. It wasn’t very long before I started questioning my existence “What the hell’s all this about? Why am I even alive??” But even though the thoughts were there, I didn’t have the “balls” to do anything suicidal. Perhaps it was also because the act of ending one’s life was somewhat not cool and moronic to me. So there I was, trudging every day like it was all uphill. Waking up was so hard that I wish I could just sleep forever. Sunshine and daylight were more of a curse than blessing. ‘Gloom and doom’ at its best. But I guess the maxim that says “When you hit rock bottom, you either perish or make your way back up” does have some truth to it. So even though I didn’t see any path or hope, somehow I persist. And sometimes, persistence is all you need.

One day, in the midst of my dark episodes, I decided to go for lunch at The Bay Bali. An everyday decision that I never thought would change my life forever. As a nature lover, I’ve always loved this place for its stunning beach and ocean view. The fresh vibes brought out by the green surroundings have never failed to rejuvenate me. Indeed, the equally strong reasons were the unforgettable service and food. My high level of curiosity and need for variety was satisfied by the extensive menus offered at this culinary heaven. On my better days, I was a regular for the dim sum, tasty Asian cooking and famous local food. Simply put, on that fateful day, I was practically drawn to this place that not even a depression could make me lose my appetite for it.

That afternoon, I settled for Benihana’s Teppanyaki. While having one of my favourite Japanese cuisines, just like the ‘happiness’ question that led to a ‘quiet desperation’, my ‘Self’ suddenly raise another intriguing question “Is this really all you got?” And it wasn’t long before other pep talks followed suit “It doesn’t take a special skill to be a loser and quit on life. Everyone can do it. Feeling sorry for yourself is not going to help either. Stop being a sissy and stop whining around! You are MORE than this!” If there’s such thing as epiphany, that was it. My mind took me back to the memories of all the motivational seminars, books, tapes I’ve been to, read and heard. I was a keen learner, and in a way I still am. All these years, I’ve invested my hard earned bucks and unredeemable time in the hope of personal breakthrough. And this is what I got in return?? A nasty mental breakdown?? No way, no how!

“Let them go. Bitterness. Anger. Self-hatred. Accept yourself, the imperfect work in progress. Appreciate the flowers. Smell the coffee. Feel the sunlight.” said ‘Self’ again. I was flooded with wisdom and inspiration. “It all starts in the mind. Before changing your address, consider changing your thoughts. Don’t fret about what you don’t have or what you can’t do. Do what you can with what you have. People and circumstances may be unchangeable, but not you. Your time is limited and temporary. It’s going to end, with or without your consent. Don’t bother with shortcuts. How you’re going to live is up to you. Why try so hard to be miserable? Life is going to throw at you trials and hardships anyway, why give it a hand? Why not opt for happiness? Or die trying?” I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t say anything, not even in my head.

So there I was, having lunch at an arguably one of the best spot in the world. Feeling depressed about it somehow just didn’t seem fit. At that particular instant, I finally managed to get out of the ‘misery zone’ and see the truth. For the first time after quite a while, I was able to really pay attention and lived in the moment. The bright shining sun. The blue sky. The rolling waves. The sandy beach. The green trees. The sound of people conversing in the restaurant, spending quality time with their friends and families. The friendly staffs with genuine smiles on their faces. The privilege to have the meal of my own choosing and the means to pay for it. All these I couldn’t see because I was too busy hating and being disappointed. I took them all for granted. But that afternoon I made a decision to change my way. I finished my lunch and walked out of the restaurant a different man.

I guess it’s another truth that we can only have so much of happiness or sadness. We’ve talked about balance. Perhaps it’s a nature way of balancing things. After all, without sadness, happiness would lose its meaning. How can we recognize happiness if it’s the only sentiment in the world? How can we even learn to appreciate it? Without pain, would we even consider to strive for happiness? So I learn to let go. I learn to trust, myself and the universe. I learn to be grateful, to be aware of the “gifts” in my life. If I wake up with more health than sickness, thank you. For the foods and drinks I never lack of every single day in my life, thank you. For the clothes to put on, thank you. For the bed to sleep in, thank you. For every opportunities, the freedom from oppressions and disasters, thank you. For the chance to breathe life, yet another day, THANK YOU.

If Thomas Jefferson, the man considered to be one of the greatest American President in history, put it that the pursuit of happiness is an unalienable human rights, then I guess pursue it I must. The days of ‘doom and gloom’ are behind me now. That is not to say that I’ve completely lost the occasional “reminders” of being alive. The rainy days will always co-exist with sunny ones. And when they come, I’ve learnt to not search outside, but to look within for my ‘Self’ who’s always there to provide guidance. I may be reminded by other’s saying, singing, painting, writing or whatever, but it’s only my ‘Self’ that can and will eventually be my saviour. With that in mind, come what may, whatever happens, I will not choose defeat, stress, or grief. Instead, I will choose to live, with me, my ‘Self’ and happiness.

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Blog post ini dibuat dalam rangka mengikuti Proyek Menulis Letters of Happiness: Share your happiness with The Bay Bali & Get discovered!

- SW -